Husband kept childhood abuse buried for 50 years

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have been married for 46 years and during this time we have had our ups and downs. Sometimes I think he can be selfish and a bit nasty, as I suppose I can. However, we are very happy and want to live the rest of our lives together. The other day, he got upset and confided in me that when he was 11, a 16-year-old boy sexually abused him. He told my husband it would make him a man and it only happened once. Later, when my husband was working, he bumped into this person again – then a man – but because he was embarrassed and humiliated, they didn’t speak and he doesn’t know of his whereabouts now. My husband has kept this a secret for 50 years because he felt so ashamed. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone or do anything about it, but says he feels better having told me. I would like your opinion on this. Please understand that we don’t want to take it any further, but I would like some friendly advice on how to cope.

Coleen says

First of all, I think it’s fantastic that your husband confided in you, but I imagine you’re now burdened by this information in that you feel angry and upset on his behalf. Although he doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it or go down a legal route, that doesn’t mean you can’t have counselling, which is completely confidential. I think you have to respect his wishes if he doesn’t want to discuss it any further, but perhaps just let him know that you’re there to listen if at any point he changes his mind. It might be enough for him to have told you and given a voice to those feelings he’s kept buried for such a long time – he clearly felt the need to finally share what happened to him with someone. Your husband can also get in touch with the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (napac.org.uk, 0808 801 0331), which offers support and advice to adult survivors of all types of childhood abuse.

It was always a secret as he felt so humiliated