Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
His girlfriend is unaware of his gay affair with me
Dear Coleen
I am the other man in a relationship. I am a lover to a man who is also in a straight relationship and I am gay. He says he isn’t gay and that he is just experimenting. I feel bad for his other half, but I have strong feelings about this person. And I’ve just recently walked away from a long-term relationship that I got nothing out of, and now my ex is with a woman. So I can understand the hurt that the other woman would feel if she were to find out about us. However, I like this relationship as it is – it is exciting for me. I don’t know whether my lover might be gay or bisexual. I’m not even sure if he does either. And I was also once just like him – I didn’t know! We got together by chance. My problem is, do I walk away and let them be happy and hurt myself because I would be walking away from someone who I have strong feelings for. Or do I stay and carry on hurting this other person? I would like to add that I am not condoning the fact that there is cheating here. And I am not proud of myself for it. At the start there were no feelings – it was just no-strings sex, but now I love this person. I’ve fallen for him in a big way.
Coleen says
I think you do know what to do – you just don’t want to do it. Look, are you ever going to be truly happy, knowing this man has a wife and a whole other life and wanting more, but never being able to have it? What you’re doing isn’t right. If it carries on, someone – probably all of you – will end up getting hurt. And, yes, it’s terribly unfair to his partner. My advice would be to end it and give him the time and space to decide what he wants – whether he wants to leave her and be with you, or stay. He might stay with her and continue to have gay affairs, but you’ll be out of it – and better off that way. It is hard to walk away from someone you love, but he’s not free to have a relationship with you. Why stay with someone with all this baggage and uncertainty, and drive yourself mad with guilt when there are plenty of other guys who could offer you great sex and a fulfilling, open and honest relationship? Good luck.