HE OBSESSES ABOUT MY EX BOYFRIENDS

Dear Coleen

I have been in a relationship for a year now and I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before.

However, he seems to have a problem accepting my past and he routinely brings it up and questions me on past lovers. He is convinced that I’m keeping secrets from him and can’t accept that I have been with people before him.

He questions me on each person, has even asked me for all of their names and obsessively researches them online.

It makes me feel so frustrated and, because I am reluctant to talk about it, he thinks I’m hiding things from him. How can I make him understand how it is making me feel? The last thing I want to do is end this relationship because I am in love with him, but I feel as though I can’t take any more of this unreasonable behaviour.

Coleen says

It’s become an unhealthy obsession and, you’re right, it’s unreasonable.

Most people have had partners in the past so, unless you’re 18 and still a virgin, it’s something we all have to deal with.

It’s important not to indulge it and feed his insecurities because that’s what it’s all about. It could be down to him lacking confidence. Ask him if he can explain why he’s preoccupied with your past lovers when they’re ancient history.

I would suggest having one final conversation about your past during which you can reassure him that you love him and now want to focus on your future together.

But make it clear that you won’t talk about it again and you won’t put up with him playing amateur detective online either.

The point is, it’s exhausting and stressful having to constantly reassure someone.

He needs to realise that’s what will cause the end of the relationship – not previous lovers who are no longer part of your life.