I really love him but all we seem to do is argue

Dear Coleen

My boyfriend and I are both in our late twenties and have been dating for three years and living together for nine months.

We have so much in common and when things are good it’s a lot of fun.

The problem is, we also argue a lot – often over really minor things – and there’s usually a lot of shouting and sulking afterwards, which is horrible when you live in the same house.

None of my friends seem to argue this much with their partners and they don’t think it’s normal to row a lot unless there’s something wrong.

I do love him, but all the arguments are making me withdraw a bit and sex is suffering too.

Who feels like making love when you’ve just had a blazing row over who last put petrol in the car?

We’ve also started arguing in public, usually after a few drinks, which is really embarrassing.

Can our relationship survive all these shouting matches?

I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

I think it’s probably a good idea to take a break from each other. It sounds like moving in together might have put pressure on the relationship – it often highlights any pre-existing cracks which may not have seemed that important when you were living apart. But now you’re together 24/7 those cracks are turning into huge chasms.

I’ve known some couples who thrive on confrontation, but it’s not healthy and it’s not a very relaxing way to live your life. And it’s no fun being out with a group of mates and wondering what’s going to trigger an argument.

Sit down together and examine what you’re arguing over – are those things worth it? Is who put petrol in the car last really worth a blazing row and days of sulking?

It’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps you also need to consider whether these rows are a symptom of you both being unhappy at a much deeper level. You can love someone, but still find them unbelievably hard to live with, which makes the relationship hard to sustain long term.

If you have a break and really miss each other, then go back with a new attitude. Create some boundaries – like not arguing when you’re out with friends and stop a row in its tracks if it’s about something petty.

Stop, take a breath and think about your reactions before it gets to the point of a screaming match.

We even row over who last put petrol in the car