Cousin’s funeral snub has really offended me

Dear Coleen

I would be very grateful for your opinion on a matter that has upset me very much. My cousin died just three weeks ago and I was extremely close to her. In fact, we were more like sisters and knew each other from the age of two.

A couple of ladies at her funeral even asked if my cousin and I were sisters because we look so much alike.

My cousin’s daughter made all of the funeral arrangements, but sadly I was not invited to travel in the family car at the event and nor was I mentioned in the eulogy.

I was already very upset at losing my cousin, and the fact that I also seem to have been ignored by her family is just making it harder for me to cope.

When she was ill in hospital I visited her every single week before she died, even though it was a struggle for me to get there and back again.

Can you tell me how I can start coming to terms with all of this?

Coleen says

It is so hurtful, but it might not have been intentional. Your cousin’s daughter and the rest of the family may have been so wrapped up in their own grief that they didn’t think about how close you were. However, I accept that doesn’t take your pain away.

But rather than focus on what happened at the funeral with the car and the eulogy, focus on the fact that you were there for her when she needed you the most. And remember all the fantastic times you had together and how important your relationship was. You know what you meant to each other.

When it comes to funerals, the immediate family always comes first, which can seem strange when in life that person has actually been closer to extended family or friends.

But even if you approach her daughter, it won’t change anything. If, at a future point when the grief isn’t so raw, you’d like to talk about your cousin with her daughter, then do it in a positive and loving way, and don’t make it about the funeral.

It might help her daughter to acknowledge how close you were and for you to share your memories.

I got nothing belonging to my sister Bernie or my mum after they died but, in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter to me. I loved them and I don’t need to look at clothes or jewellery to be reminded of that. So, hang on to your memories of your cousin and not what happened after she died.

We were so close but I was ignored in arrangements