My ex is still controlling me three years after split

Dear Coleen

I have two children with my ex. We split up three years ago but he puts a guilt trip on me every time I mention that I want to move on.

The reason I haven’t yet is because I’m waiting for him to move on first, so he doesn’t care what I’m doing. It’s as if he thinks that because we have children together, I’m his now.

During the relationship he was the least supportive and understanding man you could find. He always put me down and made me feel worthless and fat, despite the fact I’ve never been over a size 10.

I have guys asking me out all the time, but I say no because I know my ex will make things difficult for me, as well as make me feel terrible for thinking about myself.

I’ve told him a few times that he treats me like I’m only there to serve him, but he just seems very proud of that. It’s easy to say move on and let him do what he wants, but I’m now on antidepressants because I feel trapped.

He’s a much older guy and I feel like I just have to wait until he’s out of my life to move on.

Coleen says

You left him for all the right reasons and made that big brave decision, despite having two kids. Now you have to dig deep and be strong again and start to live your life independently.

He’s still controlling you three years after the break-up and he’ll continue to do it while you let him. You may as well still be with him. The first thing I would do is establish boundaries around why and how he contacts you – it should only be to discuss arrangements for the children and for no other reason.

Why not keep contact to text and email, unless there’s something urgent to discuss to do with the kids or an emergency? Then agree that a phone call is OK.

You really must make it clear that you don’t want to talk to him about anything other than the children, and that you are moving on with your life.

And whatever he says to belittle you, just let it go. Make no mistake, this is emotional and mental abuse, and you can get support at womensaid.org.uk (0808 2000 247).

Don’t deal with this in isolation – talk to close friends and family. Discuss alternatives to medication with your doctor, too – talking to a counsellor regularly might help you more.

And, if your ex gives you reason to fear for your safety, or that of your kids, alert the police and social services.

Let me know how you get on.

I say no to dates because he’ll make it difficult