SEX MAKES ME SO NERVOUS I CAN’T FOCUS

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my late-20s and I’m seeing a woman I really like – we’ve been dating for just over a month. Previous to this, I’d been single for two years after coming out of a serious long-term relationship.

Everything is going well apart from in the bedroom. When we get intimate, I get so nervous I can’t keep focused, so most of the time we give up. I can tell she feels confused and hurt, she even asked if it’s because I don’t find her attractive. But I do – she’s gorgeous!

I don’t know how to break this cycle. Please help.

Coleen says

I think you should take a step back and try dating for a while – meeting for drinks and dinner, kissing at the end of the night and getting to know each other better.

You haven’t failed if every date doesn’t end up with you sleeping together.

You can still get close and intimate, but build up to full sex gradually. I think if you felt more at ease and knew her better, then you’d feel more relaxed about sex.

At the moment, you seem desperate to ‘perform’ and there’s no reason to feel like that.

Slow things down and, if she likes you as much as you like her, she’ll be fine with that.

When you stop making sex the focus of everything, I’m sure it’ll happen naturally. And once you find a natural rhythm with each other there will be no looking back!