I helped friend in need then got called a whore

Dear Coleen

I have a very good male friend. There was something between us maybe 10 years ago, but nothing since he left me for his current partner, the mother of his children.

Recently, they had a row and she asked him to leave for the night. He rang to ask if he could stay at mine, which I said was OK, and he’d have to sleep on the sofa.

In the middle of the night his girlfriend appeared outside my door with three small children, banging on the windows and calling me a whore.

I have absolutely no idea how she even knows where I live. She left a note outside which was a ‘Welcome to your new home’ card with the names of his children written on it.

I have a very new lodger as I’m struggling to pay my mortgage. Thankfully, she was working a nightshift.

My friend wouldn’t go out and talk to his partner, and took my keys off me so I couldn’t go and speak to her, either. Eventually, she left. However, by this stage my neighbour’s alarm had gone off and the police arrived. I also got a letter from the management company fining me for being a nuisance.

I want an apology, but another friend has advised me just to leave it. Am I right to be annoyed with him?

Coleen says

Yes, absolutely. He’s behaved terribly. Instead of sorting out his own mess he’s brought it to your door and then when his poor girlfriend and children showed up, he didn’t even have the guts to face them. What a coward.

I wonder what he’s been leading his girlfriend to believe about your relationship – she clearly thinks you’re more than just friends to turn up and call you a whore, which I’m sure was horrible for you. And are you absolutely sure that your friend doesn’t want to rekindle a romantic relationship with you? It could be that he’s been in love with you for the past 10 years and his girlfriend knows this.

I would tell him that you’re not happy about the way he’s behaved and explain what the consequences have been for you – a fine (which he ought to give you the money for) and being labelled a nuisance.

I would also make sure his girlfriend knows that there’s nothing between you other than friendship.

I don’t think you should try to extract an apology from him – he’s either sorry or he’s not. But, if he’s not, then I’d question his integrity and your friendship.

His girlfriend arrived, banging on my windows