AGE GAP HAS BECOME TOO BIG

Dear Coleen

I’m a man of 44 and my partner is exactly 20 years older. We met when I was 30 and she had just turned 50. Although the age gap seemed big then, I was older than my years and she looked and behaved a lot younger, so we were a good match.

Now though, she’s 64 and we stopped being intimate some years ago.

My sex drive is still going strong, but hers has disappeared altogether. And we’re just not close any more – we’re pretty much living separate lives and don’t have any kids to bond us.

I’ve slept with other women a couple of times, which I know is wrong, but I want to find someone my own age.

I feel trapped and old before my time.

Coleen says

I’ve always said that a 20-year age gap might not seem a lot when you get together and the older partner is, say, in their 40s. But when the younger partner reaches their 40s and the other person is in their 60s, that’s when it can suddenly seem like a huge chasm. I’ve actually had friends who’ve broken up over the very same issue.

If you feel trapped and unhappy to the point where you’re having sex with other women, then I think it’s time to be honest with your partner about how you feel.

It’s not fair to stay with her when your heart isn’t in it, especially if you’re sleeping with other women.

You have to sort that side of things out first before focusing on meeting someone your own age. You’ve been in a serious relationship for 14 years – why rush into another one?

Also, I know you feel ready to move on, but ending any relationship is hard emotionally, especially one that’s lasted as long as yours, so you have to expect some fallout.