So upset that my sick sister has cut me off

Dear Coleen

When my parents died within a few months of each other, both at a relatively young age, my world fell apart.

Their house was in a beautiful place, near the beach. My grandparents had lived nearby too, so we’d all been going there for 40 years. I was really hoping that my two children and I could carry on going there and they’d be able to enjoy the place and see their grandparents, but it wasn’t to be.

I was hoping my sister, who’s only a year older than I am, would move into the area, but she chose to live a long way away, so we barely see her or my nieces. She’s only visited me twice and that was after I begged her to come.

She never wants to meet up with the kids in the school holidays. When we do get together, there are always friends there too, who I’ve never met. It just hurts because she’s the only family I have left now and it seems crazy as we’re both divorced.

She has also had cancer – like our mum – and has stopped calling me. She doesn’t want me around and relies on a friend to look after her. My nieces even call this woman “auntie”!

I’m afraid of losing her as I lost my mum. Do you have any advice on how to approach the situation as I want to be closer to my nieces?

Coleen says

OK, I’m going to be very honest here. From your letter, the thing that comes across is that it’s all about you – what you’re missing and what you want. So perhaps that’s why your sister has created a bit of distance between the pair of you, and she needs to focus on herself right now.

Perhaps she doesn’t want to get too close to you because she’s afraid to, and it’s her way of handling the fact that she has a serious illness and she doesn’t know what the future holds.

I think the only thing you can do is go to see her and tell her how you’re feeling face to face. But don’t put pressure on her – tell her you’d love to see more of her and your nieces, but you understand she’s going through a tough time.

Just let her know you’re there for her if she needs you and don’t attach any conditions or make her feel bad if she doesn’t want the same thing. Just because you’re blood relatives, you can’t demand to be in her life.

You sound like you have a big hole in your own life, but you can’t just expect your sister to fill that.

It might help to have some bereavement counselling – you could start by getting in touch with bereavement charity Cruse (cruse.org.uk).

It hurts as she is the only family I have left now