Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Genius inventions a giant leap... back
Reply all is bad for humanity so it needs to go...
MY little boy loves his microscooter. He’s a bit of a whizz on it and goes so fast I’m on the brink of a panic attack the whole time he’s riding it. Luckily, that is only ever a few minutes.
This is because – despite protestations (so fervent they often take place through tears) that this will NEVER happen – he gets bored of it very quickly.
Then, a short while later, he realises walking is a bit of a drag too, so he lets it be known, subtly, by, say, sitting down in the middle of a busy pavement and refusing to move, that he’s not going to do that any more either (being a toddler RULES, btw).
So, more often than not, on outings with my son, I end up carrying both him and his scooter.
It was on one of these recent fun jaunts – up a hill – that I realised something. The micro-scooter is brilliant – it’s encouraging Albie to be independent in a way that’s probably really important for his development, and it brings him pure delight.
And yet, I wish more than anything that I could uninvent it.
If we’re honest, some of the giant leaps forward that are supposed to make life quicker, simpler or better, are actually just a giant pain. And when I say “some”, I mean “most”, obviously. Micro-scooters may be first on the list – with a special mention for the adult ones, which are quite literally AN ATROCITY – but we can also add...
Those unbelievably skin-tight jeans everyone below 25 on reality TV wears that look like jeggings because they’re
basically jeggings
It’s for your own good, lads, believe me.
Blue ticks that confirm your Whatsapp message has been read/read notifications on texts
Totally unnecessary feature that only exists to turn normal, welladjusted people into paranoid wrecks, convinced that everyone hates them.
Plants
Impossible to keep alive unless you resign from your job and become a hermit who dedicates your entire life to them.
Internet shopping
Just too easy. Beyond dangerous. Also, just pressing a button rather than having to physically hand over cash or a card makes you feel like you haven’t spent any money... which makes it super confusing when you check your bank balance and find that you don’t have one.
Crocs
Not because they’re ugly, but because some people still think it’s amusing to rant about how ugly they are, like that is in any way an original thought that no one’s ever heard before.
Breadmakers
Anyone who has one is smugger than a vegan, even though they have no business being so because apparently they don’t even know you can buy bread in shops.
Reply all
It’s the people you think would never stoop so low who really hurt. Doesn’t even make you angry any more, just disappointed. This email function is bad for humanity, destroying relationships left, right and centre, so it needs to go...
The three people in the world who genuinely need it for work can just cut and paste. Yes, it’s extra work, and laborious, but a small price to pay for saving the world, surely.