I DON’T WANT A BABY BUT HE DOES

Dear Coleen

I’m 39 and divorced with three children aged 12, nine and seven.

Eighteen months ago, I met a lovely man who is 33 and we’ve been very happy together ever since. He had his own house, but he’s sold that and moved in with us and he’s fantastic with the kids, who all adore him.

My ex is still in touch with me and we all get along well.

However, there’s one issue we can’t agree on. He wants us to have a baby of our own and I don’t. The days of nappies and sleepless nights seem long in the past and I don’t think I could go through it all again.

After working part-time for years I went back full-time last year and I’m loving it. I earn good money and my bosses respect me. But my new partner is increasingly unhappy at the thought of never having his own baby, which I can understand, as he’s only

Coleen says

This is such a hard one because as a mum I totally understand where you’re coming from – totally! I wouldn’t want a baby in your situation. But I also feel his desperation and I can see things from his side, too.

However, you can’t have a baby just because you feel bad for someone – if you do, you could end up resenting him and the baby. If the baby keeps you up all night, or juggling work becomes a struggle, you’ll be tempted to snap, “You were the one who wanted all this”.

I say it a lot, but that’s because it’s true: babies are tough on a relationship, even when both people desperately wanted them. If one person is less keen, they can cause huge problems.

It’s all very well if he’s said he’ll do the night feeds, but he has no idea how tough babies and toddlers are. He’s walked into your life when your kids are way past that stage and probably lovely company.

If you really don’t want a baby, then you have to be honest and accept that it might mean losing him.

33. We obviously don’t have much time to think about it as I’m 40 soon.