Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Just another manic Monday
IREALLY wanted to give you a positive, uplifting column this week. I mean, there are so many lousy things going on in the world that I thought you could do with a break from all the whinging and moaning.
Because that’s what we columnists do, isn’t it? Whinge, moan and gripe for a living. Go on and on at interminable, depressing length about this dysfunctional, unjust universe filled with people who, if they turned up in a new Netflix series, would make you put a house brick through your TV.
Trump and Putin. Brexit and Stormont. Arlene and Michelle.
America’s sick gun laws and morons on social media. The crumbling health service and England’s performance in the Six Nations.
Kim Jong-un and James Corden. So many subjects to really get self-righteously miserable about. But I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to talk about the good things in life.
Things like curry, and the fact that Northern Ireland has loads of great Indian restaurants.
Progressive rock music, how modern bands such as Big Big Train and Public Service Broadcasting are breathing new life into the genre – and how I have tickets to see Steven Wilson at the Mandela weekend.
Good books, good movies – not the cartoon character nonsense but great films such as The
Shape Of Water and Three Billboards and The Post. And, riveting classics like Gone With The Wind and Love Actually.
And, of course, friends and family. The fact that, in Northern Ireland, if you are good friends with someone then you are really good friends. As someone once said to me when I first arrived in Northern Ireland 18 years ago: “We like outsiders – it’s only each other we hate.”
So I was all prepared to bring some much-needed sunshine into your Monday reading matter. But then real life got in the way as the Hall next weekend decided to slap me in the face with a wet kipper.
The first hiccup was the flooding in my garden as the weather decided to dump most of the Atlantic Ocean on top of Furby Towers. It seems this planet has been organised in such a way that the average cloud, fat and bloated with moisture, decides the one place on this planet that really needs a drenching is Northern Ireland. So that dampened my spirits for a while but I was beginning to cheer up when I went to pick up some new furniture. Cos I like new stuff. It makes you happy, doesn’t it?
Well, it did for about 10 seconds until a giant delivery truck nearly ripped my car door off. So now I have a vehicle that looks like it’s been through 10 rounds with Frampton. And I also have a £100 excess on my insurance – all because I tried to save £49 on delivery charges.
So what have we learned from all that? I think it is this: That no matter how much you try to look on the bright side of life, as Monty Python said, there are bad times just around the corner waiting to trip you up and kick you in the fork. Have a happy Monday.