PARTNER CONTROLS HER LIFE

Dear Coleen

My daughter is 28 and my husband and I haven’t seen her for a year. We miss her terribly and also our grandson who is 18 months old.

The problem is her partner, whom we’ve never got on with and who is really controlling. He’s older than our daughter, 35, and just has this hold over her. She can’t see sense when he’s around and just does whatever he says.

She talks to us occasionally on the phone (she lives 20 miles away), but always makes excuses not to see us. I know it’s because he doesn’t want her to see her family. He’s never been violent and I don’t think he’d ever harm our daughter physically. He also loves his son to bits, but he’s just a horrible, miserable person.

What can we do? We miss her loads and haven’t seen our grandson since he was six months old. It’s heartbreaking.

Coleen says

It is heartbreaking. I think you need to tread really carefully, though. The temptation is to tell her exactly what you think of her partner, but you run the risk of pushing her even further away.

I know I bang on about writing letters, but they’ve worked for me in the past. A letter (or an email) really is a great way of getting down everything you want to say. Just express how much you love and miss her and your grandson. Tell her you’re there for her whenever she needs you and would love to help with childcare. Then leave the ball in her court.

At least you’ll know you’ve said what you wanted to and your daughter will be in no doubt how you feel about her. And writing your feelings down is good therapy for you, too.

You could also ask a relative or a close mutual friend to mediate and put your side of things to your daughter.

If she does want to see you, take it slowly and maybe meet for a coffee on neutral ground and take it from there.