CAN’T STOP ANALYSING PAST LOVES

Dear Coleen

I’ve had a string of really bad relationships with men. They’ve all ended terribly and I’ve always been left wondering what I did wrong and what I could do better.

I can’t stop thinking about these exes and going over what happened and analysing whether I could have saved the relationship.

I’m worried about picking the wrong guy again who turns out to be just like all the rest.

How can I put this behind me and move on? I’m sure it’s a really unhealthy way to be. In all other areas of my life I’m a success – career, friends and family relationships are all going swimmingly. So why is a happy relationship so hard to achieve?

Coleen says

Why are you looking for what’s wrong with you? There’s nothing wrong, so stop blaming yourself for these failed relationships.

It’s more of a failure to stay in something that isn’t right. And if you’ve had any happy times during that relationship, then you have to appreciate the good things you took from it and you move on.

When my first marriage ended, the sense of failure was massive and counselling helped me turn that around. It helped me appreciate that we’d had two fabulous sons and were together for 10 years – and most of those years were happy. That’s not failure.

And now my second marriage has ended, I’m proud we were together 17 years and have a beautiful daughter.

If you go into every new relationship thinking about your previous ones, then it’s going to have a negative impact. And things very well might go the same way if you’re expecting them to.

When you meet the man who’s right for you – because none of those other guys were – then you’ll feel less burdened by previous relationships.