He won’t keep trying for a baby after miscarriages

Dear Coleen

I’m 42 and I’ve had several miscarriages over the last five years.

Each time seems to be more devastating than the last.

After the last one, my husband broke down in tears and said he couldn’t keep going with this.

He said that we have a lovely life, a strong marriage, a great family around us, jobs that make us happy and that we now need to focus on that and stop putting ourselves through trying for a baby.

I’m completely devastated that this is happening and I just can’t believe he doesn’t want to keep trying. How can I convince him otherwise?

Coleen says

Oh, this is such a heart-breaking situation and I can see things from both sides.

Every time you have a miscarriage you’re going through a grieving process and it sounds

I’m completely devastated and beside myself

like your husband is now trying to protect himself from this grief. I always say that people grieve differently and there’s no right or wrong way to do so.

I think you need to have a bit of a break to let him get over the loss.

I’m not saying you’re not grieving or you’ve got over the miscarriages – I can imagine at 42 you’re worried about time getting on.

But it does sound like he needs some time to deal with what’s happened to you.

If you don’t allow him this time, and keep pressing him to try for a baby, it could quickly become a terribly fraught situation.

He sounds lovely and you don’t want to lose him on top of everything else. So maybe just concentrate on him for a while.

Take the pressure off yourselves and enjoy spending time together.

Make love because you want to and not because you’re trying for a baby.

Take some much needed time out for both of you to let the grief settle for the babies you’ve lost.