Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
What happens when dad fails to bond with baby?
DADS automatically feel an overwhelmingly strong bond with their new baby, right? But what about when they don’t? Michelle Rawlins speaks to one dad who didn’t feel a close connection and looks at what you can do...
When former Strictly Come Dancing star Brendan Cole admitted he was struggling to bond with his second baby, it resonated with many fathers.
His claims of feeling like a “bad dad” and a sense of anxiety surrounding the care of his fourmonth-old son Dante echoed what many fathers secretly feel every day.
Mark Williams, father of one and author of Daddy Blues, knows only too well what Brendan was experiencing.
When he and his wife Michelle, 41, had their first child Ethan, now 13, instead of feeling elated and excited at becoming a father, panic kicked in.
“I became incredibly anxious and suddenly our little bubble of happiness burst at a time when I assumed I would feel at my most content,” says Mark, 43, from Bridgend, South Wales.
“That in itself escalated as guilt kicked in and before I knew it I was depressed and worried about how I would bond with Ethan.”
Problems first started after Michelle endured a painful 22-hour labour and was eventually told she needed an emergency caesarean section.
Mark, now a campaigner for perinatal mental health, says: “It was at that point I had my first-ever panic attack. I thought my wife and baby were both going to die. Thankfully, both Michelle and Ethan were OK but sadly, and at the time inexplicably, the wonderful feeling of love towards my baby didn’t come. He felt like a stranger to me.
“I felt so guilty that I didn’t have an overwhelming love for Ethan.”
Mark explains his feeling of impending doom was exacerbated after his wife developed severe postnatal depression. He says: “I was trying to look after Michelle and Ethan, but was terrified I was losing control and would fail them both.
“I gave up my job as a sales rep to take care of my family, but the knock-on effect meant I
became further isolated from my friends and former work colleagues.
“With support, Michelle finally started to get better and was able to return to work when Ethan was one, but by then I was secretly struggling. I was having suicidal thoughts and daydreamed about walking in front of a bus – my logic being at least the anxiety I was feeling would come to an end.”
For several years, Mark went through periods of highs, where his now unbreakable bond with Ethan flourished, and lows that culminated in him suffering a nervous breakdown when Ethan was six. Finally realising he needed to talk about what he had been through, Mark went to see his GP who prescribed a course of anti-depressants and recommended counselling.
Mark says: “It was a real turning point on my road to recovery. The relief was immense as finally after a lot of support I became the dad I’d always wanted to be.”
Mark’s experience encouraged him to help other dads who had found themselves in the same position. He founded Fathers Reaching Out and now hosts support groups and conferences around the world to show other men how with the right support, they can overcome feelings of self-doubt and failure.
Evidence has revealed that many fathers struggle around the time of the birth of their children, but many are scared to vocalise their feelings. Mark says:
“Talk to people and be open about what you’re experiencing. Sometimes just saying those words will take the pressure away as you realise it’s
normal and nothing to feel guilty about.”
Although it may feel like the last thing you want to do, Mark advises turning this on its head and spending as much time as you can with your newborn. “Turn off all electronic devices, ignore your phone or any Facebook messages, and just give your baby the attention he or she craves. Before you know it, this will become a natural instinct.”
This isn’t just for mums, it’s for dads too. As a dad, cradling a baby close to your skin is as close to breastfeeding a father can get. Mark explains: “It’s hugely beneficial for bonding, as well as providing your baby with the benefits of temperature, breathing and heart-rate regulation.”
The more you do with your baby, even if it’s just changing a nappy, feeding your little one or taking part in bathtime, without you even noticing, a bond and deep sense of attachment will happen.
Remember, a huge part of being a dad is about being a kid again yourself. Mark says: “Pull silly faces and really smile. Research shows that even if you are struggling through this, it will benefit your baby and as you watch their reaction you will subconsciously, then quite naturally, start to feel more positive.”
This can be anything from turning on some music and dancing around the living room soothing your baby’s tears or going swimming together. “The one-on-one interaction will naturally develop your closeness and before you know it you will look forward to those intimate moments together,” says Mark.
Remember, these get-togethers aren’t just for mums. Stay-at-home dads are more and more common, and you will soon find you aren’t alone in what you had envisaged to be a very female-dominated world.
If you really feel your bond still isn’t developing, as well as being open with family and friends, speak to a health visitor. Remember, it’s common for dads, just like mums, to sometimes initially struggle to bond with their babies. Find out what support there is locally and ask for help. If you don’t tell people you are struggling, you can’t get the help to make things better.