Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Ex isn’t playing fair over childcare arrangements Coleen says
Dear Coleen
I broke up with my daughter’s father six years ago when she was just two. She’s now eight and I’ve since re-married and had twin sons who are four years old.
It was my decision to break up with my ex-husband and I’ve tried to keep things as civil as possible for the sake of our daughter. She stays with him overnight twice a week and every other weekend, although he doesn’t pay regular maintenance.
He has his own business, drives a nice car, goes on better holidays than me, yet still claims he doesn’t always have enough money to pay me maintenance. He’s now becoming more difficult and has told me I need written permission to take our daughter on holiday abroad.
He also wants to move her school to one nearer him, and is trying to stop my husband and me from moving 15 miles away to another village. It would mean he’d be around a half-hour drive away from our daughter, which I think is fine. How can I get through to him? It is such a minefield with children and divorce. Of course some things should be a joint decision between you both, like where your daughter goes to school. But you have every right to move 15 miles away – it’s not as if you’re moving abroad.
Your ex-husband can’t have all the balls in his court and be in control all the time. And even with changing her school, he’d need a pretty valid reason for moving her away from all her friends and her feelings would be taken into account in court – especially because he’s only paying maintenance when he feels like it.
I think you’ve been far too easy on him and need to stop being so nice and accommodating, because it doesn’t sound like he’s reciprocating.
If you can’t face having a conversation with him about maintenance then take him to the CSA, and they’ll make him pay. He’ll have to show his true earnings.
You say it was your decision to split up and it sounds like he’s trying to get back at you by being difficult with things related to your daughter.
So just say, look, this isn’t about me and you. This is about our daughter, who deserves to be able to go on a holiday without all this fuss. Can’t she just be lucky and get two holidays with two parents, rather that having to endure all this hassle?
Because she will be aware of it, no matter how much you try to keep it from her. The only person getting really hurt in all this is her – and somebody needs to tell him that.