Crushed by new hubby admitting recent affair

Dear Coleen

I got married back in June, but the honeymoon period was very shortlived, and for the past couple of months things have been horrible between my husband and I.

A few weeks after we wed, he admitted to me he’d been having an affair for months on the run-up to our wedding, but that he’d ended it. He explained he couldn’t handle carrying the guilt around and felt so bad about what he’d done. So, one night when we were home on our own and we’d had a few glasses of wine, it all came spilling out. He had his head in his hands, crying.

I don’t know what I think right now. I moved in with my mum for a short while, but that wasn’t really solving anything, so I’ve gone back to my own home.

We both want to try and make the marriage work, but right now I’m too angry to really commit to this.

I feel so stupid having had such a lavish wedding reception when it was all a big lie – and my parents are heartbroken for me, too. It’s horrible to see them so upset and helpless. I know he realises he’s made the worse mistake of his life and I do know he loves me, but I’m struggling to see how this can ever be fixed.

Please Coleen, can you help?

Coleen says

You can’t expect this to be fixed instantly, but it can be fixed if it’s what you both want. It’s a crisis point in your relationship and, at the moment, things could go either way, so it’s crucial that you work through why an affair happened and the best way to do that is to have therapy. Visit tavistockrelationships.org or relate.org.uk.

Understandably, you’re still very hurt and angry, and it’s going to take time for those feelings to recede and to rebuild trust. For that to happen, he has to be honest with you.

It’s a mistake to think that now he’s told you and unburdened himself, you can just move on. You really can’t – you have to confront it and talk about it and it’s going to take time and probably bucketloads of tears.

And, at the end of the process, you might decide to go your separate ways, but at least you will do that knowing you gave it everything and did as much as you could to save the situation.

Finally, please don’t worry about the big wedding or your parents – when this kind of thing happens, people are kind and will want to support you.

Good luck.

I feel so stupid after our lavish wedding in June