He joked about my life as an escort with his family

Dear Coleen

I’ve been seeing a great guy for a few months. He’s a lot of fun and life is never dull when he’s around. My problem is, there are a few things in my past that I don’t like people to know about. Naturally, I’ve told him everything, but it’s not stuff I want to be common knowledge.

In a nutshell, I worked as an escort for a short time to make some money quickly and fund my studies after falling out with my parents. It was a means to an end and I’m not proud of it.

My boyfriend said it didn’t change the way he felt about me and has been totally cool with it, to the point of making jokes when we’re with his family, who I can tell are a bit bemused by the whole thing.

I feel so embarrassed, even though I laughed it off at the time to save face.

It’s really upsetting me. He kind of broke the trust between us and I feel disappointed in him, and can’t help thinking the escort stuff bothers him more than he’s letting on.

How do I deal with this?

Coleen says

I think he’s trying too hard to prove to you that it doesn’t bother him. He’s saying, “Look, I can even joke about it with my parents! We’re all cool with it!” He’s also perhaps trying to convey to his family that he knows about your past and he’s fine with it, so they need to be OK with it, too.

I suppose his reaction is confusing because if someone was bothered by your past you would perhaps expect them to say “Look, I’m fine with it, but I don’t want it brought up in front of other people.”

What you can say is that you trust him and are happy he’s accepted that side of your life because you didn’t want it to split you up.

But at the same time I really think you should make it clear to him that you feel very uncomfortable when he jokes about it with his family, so you’d rather he didn’t do it.

Explain to him that it’s important for you to move on from it, so you don’t want it brought up every time you’re with his family.

It’s out there now and they’re aware of it, so there’s no reason you should have to talk about it again.

And also make the point that while he’s “cool” about it, other people might have a different attitude and you don’t want to be in a position where you feel judged for your past choices.

I think it bothers him more than he’s letting on