I FOUND OUT HE’D LOOKED AT GAY PORN

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have been married for five years and we have one child together, who’s four.

To be honest, since our son was born, we’ve barely had sex – he’s never interested. I thought it was to do with his sex drive and the fact he has a stressful job, but a few weeks ago I found gay porn in his bag, and then discovered he’s been looking at gay porn online, too.

I haven’t confronted him yet, mostly because I just don’t know what to say to him. I know I have to say something because I’m feeling angry and we can’t go on like this. What do you suggest?

Coleen says

Of course it’s not easy to bring such an issue up and I’m sure part of the reason for not saying anything is that you’re afraid of your fears being confirmed.

I would just start by telling him what you’ve found and asking him about it. But beforehand, think about how you’ll react and what you want to happen if he does admit he’s gay or bisexual. Be prepared, as much as you can be, for what he might say.

It’s devastating to think you’ve been living a lie and that your marriage has been a sham, but that might not be the case.

I’m sure he loves you and your son a great deal, and is probably wrestling with a lot of guilt. Perhaps he hasn’t wanted to let you down and that’s why he’s carried on and not admitted to you how he really feels. He might even be in denial himself.

It’s important to get it out in the open and talk about it because you both deserve the chance to live your lives honestly and be happy. And if the result is separation or divorce, you can both still be wonderful parents. Good luck.