He embarrassed me by telling friends I was 50

Dear Coleen

My problem feels quite trivial compared to some you get, but here goes. Recently, my husband of 20 years embarrassed me terribly and I don’t think I can forgive him – we are avoiding each other at home and still not talking.

We were out at the pub with some friends and he was a bit drunk. He ended up telling everyone that I’d just turned 50, adding that I had a real problem with my age, so hadn’t told anyone and didn’t want a party.

The whole thing felt really awkward, not just because of what he said and because my friends seemed embarrassed and didn’t know what to say, but because I’m the kind of person who hates the attention being on me. I went bright red and just blundered my way through it.

It’s true, I didn’t want anyone to know because I haven’t really got my head round the fact I’ve turned 50 myself! And I certainly didn’t want a fuss or a big party.

I know my husband thinks I’m overreacting and punishing him for something that isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. However, it doesn’t get away from the fact that I feel he was disloyal and cruel.

Why would he do something like that when he knows how I feel?

What do you think?

Coleen says

It is disloyal because he was well aware of how you felt. But, at the same time, he maybe doesn’t understand and perhaps felt that if he got it out there, then all your friends would be really positive about this big birthday and would help you to feel OK about it. I don’t think he said it necessarily to be cruel, even though that’s how it feels to you.

Maybe it is a good thing it’s out there now if it’s something that was weighing you down and you felt you had to keep secret.

I do get where you’re coming from. I hated turning 50 (even though I had a big party, which was wonderful), but when you’re 70, you’ll wonder why on earth you were bothered about it because 50 is still pretty young!

Ageing is a difficult process for lots of us – you find yourself reassessing everything from your health to your job and your relationships.

So rather than ignore these feelings, talk to your husband about them because he simply might not get it. Perhaps just the two of you can celebrate with a special weekend away or a trip abroad to somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit.

And enjoy being 50 and the fact you have your health, your family and lots of good friends.

I feel that he was disloyal and cruel doing this