How do I connect with a young guy I really fancy?

Dear Coleen

I’m a 65-year-old (in the closet) gay man. I knew I was gay back in the late 60s when you could be put in prison for your sexuality.

I left school at 15 and went to work in a large factory and I loved it, but I heard what people said about homosexuals, so I was determined never to let people know I was one of them.

At that time there was no place to go for help. I only heard about actors being arrested or leaving the country, or saw stereotypes on TV.

My parents were homophobic and my mother would have killed me if she’d found out.

She’s taken a knife to me in the past for a lot less, but that’s another story, so I went out with girls, but when it came to sex it was a disaster and made things worse for me mentally.

My sex life has consisted of going abroad on holidays and having drunken one-night stands, but even abroad I was nervous about going into a gay bar in case I ran into someone I knew.

Now I come to the part where I need advice. For the first time in my life I have strong feelings for another man. He is half my age and works for a family business that I visit maybe three times a year. I don’t know him to speak to, but sometimes our paths cross in town and we sort of look at each other.

I feel like a 15 year old when I see him and can hardly put one foot in front of the other. I don’t even know his name or if he’s straight or gay.

I’ve felt like this for three years now. I would be grateful for your help.

I feel like a 15 year old when I see him in town

Coleen says

I’m sorry you were scarred by growing up in a time when homosexuality wasn’t widely accepted. But, thank god, we’re not living in that era any more and you can be whoever you want to be, although I accept it must be very hard to change your mindset.

As for this man you like, I think the first step is just finding the courage to speak and say hello – you don’t have to ask him out on a date. The problem is, when you fancy someone, you suddenly find you can’t say your own name – it happens to me, too. So it’s a normal feeling and reaction.

Having said that, you also have to be realistic and accept he might not be gay and, even if he is, he might not fancy you.

But I think having the confidence to speak to him and saying you’ve seen him around a lot, and mention the job you have in common, would give you a boost and help when it comes to talking to other guys.

Don’t obsess over this one person – get out there and meet other people. It’s not the 1960s and you don’t have to hide yourself away.

Maybe start going out in this country to gay bars and connecting with the gay community online. This will be so liberating. I hope you can start to take these steps to get some joy and freedom in your life. These days, being openly gay is part of our rich and diverse culture. Yes, there will always be small-minded people, but they don’t have to be part of your life.