SHE REFUSES TO DISCUSS HAVING KIDS

Dear Coleen

I’m a man of 42 and I’ve been with my girlfriend, who’s 36, five years. I’d like a family, but she’s adamant she doesn’t want kids. OK, I knew when we got together she wasn’t keen, but it wasn’t off the table completely, and I always hoped she’d change her mind as our relationship got more established.

She’s a dance and drama teacher, and very focused on her job. We’re getting to the point of “now or never” because of her age. I envy our friends, who all have a child or children, and I want to move our relationship to the next level. What can I do when she shuts the conversation down and just says she “just doesn’t want kids”.

Coleen says

I don’t think it’s helpful that she’s quite vague about her reasons for not wanting children. And, if you’re in a committed relationship, I don’t think it’s fair to just shut down any kind of proper discussion.

I think you have to insist on that and, once you have explored her reasons fully and if she’s still determined, then you have a tough decision to make.

However, I think it’s worth considering relationship therapy to work this through and make a proper commitment to talking about it. It might not change how she feels, but it’ll help you decide what’s most important to you – making a life with her or making a fresh start with someone who does share your desire for children.

It’s really tough if you’re seeing all your friends moving on and having kids if that’s what you want, but try to zone them out and focus on your own life and working out a path that’s right for you.