We wed too quick and he’s walked out on me

Dear Coleen

I got married six months ago to a lovely guy. We were so in love, great friends and our relationship was very passionate – I thought I’d won the lottery with him.

I am a divorcee with two young children, but he embraced that and never gave me any hint that taking on my kids, as well as me, was an issue for him.

Then, a few weeks ago, he moved out, saying the relationship wasn’t what he’d expected and that being a stepfather doesn’t come naturally to him.

He’s admitted he still loves me, but said he’s not ready or able to cope with family life and needs his own space.

We did marry quickly – within four months of knowing each other – so it’s been a whirlwind romance and all my friends and family warned me that it was too fast.

I’m distraught because I still love him too, and want to try to make it work. What should I do – just throw in the towel or try to fight a bit harder for our marriage?

We are still talking and being civil with each other, but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to move back in.

Please help.

Coleen says

I think you were so caught up in the romance, you let your heart rule your head and didn’t think through what it was going to be like when you were living together as a family. I was in a similar situation when I got together with Ray and he became a stepfather to my two sons, who were just kids at the time.

It was hard for him and for them, and it took a good two years before things settled down and we all got used to the new family dynamic. It’s not something that just clicks into place – it can be extremely challenging.

Perhaps if you can both acknowledge that fact and accept that it’s going to take effort from all of you then you might have a fighting chance. And maybe once he’s spent some time on his own to think things over, he’ll be in a better place to try again.

He says he still loves you and it’s good that you’re talking, so relationship therapy might provide a way forward. I think you’ll almost have to start again – dating, him staying over at your place occasionally, and getting to know each other on a deeper and more honest level.

My friends and family warned it was all too fast