Something funny in the Eire

The wit of the Irish in honour of St Patrick’s

WE’RE known for our wit, our warmth and our colourful way with words.

So as Irish people around the world prepare to party on St Patrick’s Day tomorrow, we celebrate the glorious gift for story and joke-telling.

A new book, Wicked Wit of Ireland, picks the best anecdotes, stories, jokes and one-liners on the weather, history, drinking and religion from everyone from Spike Milligan to Sharon Horgan.

Confession is a rare and wonderful opportunity to be able to go in and talk dirty to a stranger.

Journalism: the only job that requires no specialised knowledge of any kind.

The History of Ireland in two words: Ah well. The Invasion by the Vikings: Ah well. The Invasion by the Normans: Ah well.

If anyone complains they’re feeling a bit drunk too early at your party, just show them Shane Macgowan and say ‘That’s what p **** d is. How do you feel now? They’ll say, Much better thanks. I’ll have a triple vodka.’

An Englishman approached a barman in a small village in the West of Ireland at one o’clock in the morning and asked what time the pubs closed. ‘October’, he was informed. I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

I always, always, want to make people laugh. In every situation. Even when it’s inappropriate.

Whenever I hear people say they’re off to do coffee runs I think: ‘Woah, too much information there! And if it doesn’t suit you, don’t drink it.’

Weather and sport were invented to allow Irish family members to converse at great length with each other without saying anything dangerous.

Irish people don’t dance. They just stand in the same place and eventually start jumping up and down as if they hated the floor.

When the Irishman heard that curiosity killed the cat he said: ‘What was he curious about?’

An Aer Lingus stewardess asks a passenger if he’d like lunch.

‘What’s on the menu?’, he asks. ‘Well, there’s chicken, beef, salmon or duck.’ ‘What’s the duck like?’ ‘It’s like a chicken but

it swims.’

I brought a woman to a restaurant. She said, ‘I guess I’ll have a steak.’ I said, ‘Guess again.’

I’m Irish. We think sideways.

I didn’t lose my virginity. I know exactly where I left it.

Wicked Wit of Ireland, Myles Byrne, £9.99, Michael O’mara Books.

Dermot Morgan Patrick Campbell Niall Williams Pat Fitzpatrick Pete Mccarthy George Bernard Shaw Sharon Horgan LAUGH A MINUTE Horgan with Rob Delaney in Ch4’s Catastrophe Amy Huberman ATHEIST Shaw David Slattery Dave Allen Keith Farnan JOKER WoganSir Terry Wogan Brendan O’carroll Spike Milligan Pat Ingoldsby