WE’VE SPLIT UP OVER THREESOME

Dear Coleen

I broke up with my boyfriend recently over a threesome that he suggested.

He’d wanted to see me with another man for ages and, as I’m quite open to things sexually, I eventually agreed, but told him I had to choose the guy.

There’s someone at the bar where I work who I’ve always got on well with – we’ve always had a laugh together and it’s quite a flirtatious relationship, so I thought he might be up for it and he was.

The night itself was thrilling and I was much more into it than I thought I would be. But my boyfriend couldn’t deal with it, saying our relationship was ruined and there was no way back.

I’m devastated as it was a serious long-term relationship, and angry because it was his idea.

I feel like the rug’s been pulled from under me and I’ve been crying non-stop. Can you help?

Coleen says

I’ve said it often, but sometimes fantasies are better left as that. Afterwards, there are real emotions to deal with if the fantasy doesn’t play out as you’d imagined – jealousy, regret, anger and so on. And I think it can be hard to come back from it and carry on as you were.

When it came down to it, your ex clearly couldn’t cope with seeing you with another man. You, on the other hand, seemed to be very comfortable with it and enjoyed it more than you thought you would, and that’s bound to tap into his insecurities.

Perhaps if you give him a bit of time, he’ll be able to move past it and you can work through it together. You might emerge stronger and be more sure of the direction you want the relationship to go in.

If it’s genuinely over for him, I think you just need to chalk it up to experience and learn from it. It’s a risk to bring someone else into your relationship and you have to be very sure and also prepared to deal with the fallout.