I’ve fallen out with best mate over our little girls

Dear Coleen

I’ve known my best friend since we were at university together and we’ve always been really close.

We even had babies at the same time and it’s been wonderful having each other to lean on.

However, our daughters are nearly four now and, while my little girl is pretty laid back, hers is really spoiled and precocious, bordering on aggressive.

Whenever we get together with our girls, my heart is always in my mouth, expecting something to kick off between the kids. Her daughter won’t share and has tantrums at the drop of a hat.

The other afternoon we showed up at their house and her daughter karate-kicked my daughter in the face, causing a sore, red eye. Something in me just snapped and I screamed at this girl, who began to cry immediately and my friend rushed to comfort her.

Instead of reprimanding her daughter and asking her to apologise, she said it wasn’t my place to discipline her child and then said it would be best if we left, which we did.

I was gobsmacked – she reacted as if we were in the wrong and her daughter was the victim.

We haven’t spoken since, although I have sent her a couple of messages, not mentioning the kick, and she hasn’t responded. Surely it’s not up to me to extend an olive branch?

Coleen says

Maybe she was stressed by the situation and felt you didn’t give her a chance to talk to her daughter and ask her to apologise.

She could be struggling with discipline in general and perhaps she’s embarrassed because she’s not sure how to get this bad behaviour under control. I’m not making excuses for her daughter – obviously kicking your child was wrong and there should be consequences – but I’m just trying to think why she won’t engage with you.

Plus, even if your child has been horrible, it’s quite hard to watch someone else tell them off – your protective instinct is triggered.

I used to fall out with my sister Maureen all the time when our sons were toddlers because they couldn’t be in the same room without fighting.

In the end, we had a heart-to-heart and agreed it was crazy to fall out over small children, who would be battering each other one minute and best mates the next.

Ask your friend out for a drink and don’t avoid talking about what happened – tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels.

Discuss how you could deal with it next time because, ideally, you want to be able to spend time together and enjoy each other’s company.

She might open up to you and admit she’s struggling – in which case you can listen and offer support.

Her daughter hurt mine and I screamed at her