I FEEL CRUSHED BY DAD’S AFFAIR

Dear Coleen

I’m an 18-year-old girl and have a brother who’s 20. Recently, we found out my dad has been having an affair with a younger woman. My mum is devastated and threw him out, and he’s now living with his mistress.

My brother and I are so shocked – we’ve never seen our parents fight and our home life has always been happy.

It’s horrible seeing my mum so upset and she’s planning to divorce him. None of us can take it in. I’ve always thought of my dad as a straight up, good guy with strong morals, so this is a real shock. I can hardly bring myself to talk to him.

My mum seems determined to divorce him and my dad looks like he’s staying with this woman, so there’s no way back. Any advice?

Coleen says

This has obviously come as a big shock, as you clearly thought your parents were happy together. You’ve also seen another side to your dad, which makes you question his character and your own relationship with him. It’s not what you expected of him.

It’s tough to deal with at your age because you’re aware of everything that’s going on. With younger children, you can sugar coat things to a degree and tell them what they need to know in an age-appropriate way.

I understand you must feel hurt and betrayed, and feel very bad for your mum. However, I think you and your brother need to try not to get too drawn into your parents’ crisis – it’s for them to sort out.

I know you’re angry with your dad and feel he’s let you all down, but none of us knows what your parents’ relationship was really like or why he had the affair. Most affairs are usually the symptom, not the cause, of a broken relationship. I’m not condoning what he did, but we’re all human, we all have flaws and we all make mistakes.

Let him know how you feel, but don’t cut him off. You can support your mum – she needs you and your brother right now – but try not to take sides.