Should I be marrying him if our passion has waned?

Friendship with another guy has given me doubts

Dear Coleen

I’m a 32-year-old woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. We got engaged at Easter and have set a wedding date for next summer, and we’re in the process of buying our first home together.

I am happy – things are easy with us and we’re great mates – but I just have this niggling feeling that something is missing from our relationship. There’s a lack of passion and romance and, although I know this dwindles a bit in any long-term relationship, I’m still missing it.

To complicate things, I’ve become friendly with another guy who’s one of my clients in the business I run. Absolutely nothing has happened between us as he’s in a relationship. However, it has made me think about whether I’m really happy with my fiance – surely if I felt totally sure about this marriage, I wouldn’t even look at another man?

I feel confused and uncertain about what to do or if I’m just getting nervous because the wedding arrangements are starting to gather pace. Am I making problems where they don’t exist? I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

I think you have to listen to how you feel. Marriage is a big step and you should feel good about it when you walk down that aisle and not have these niggling doubts at the back of your mind. It’s good to ask the questions now because it’ll be a lot easier to walk away from things now than after you’re married.

Really, the only way of working this out is to talk to your fiance, tell him what you’re worried about and ask him how he’s feeling.

Remember, you’ve got the added pressure of buying a home and perhaps it just feels a bit overwhelming and you need to slow things down.

Would it be so bad if you pushed the wedding back a bit to give you time to work through these doubts and sort out the property side of things first?

As for this other man, I think he’s just a welcome distraction when you’re feeling a bit vulnerable and unsure of your relationship. But be careful not to confuse this with something real – you don’t know what it would be like to have a relationship with him. And he’s with someone else, too.

You’re right, that intense passion you feel for someone at the start of a relationship does calm down, but in a good relationship other things develop alongside the physical attraction – love, friendship and loyalty, which are what ensure longevity.

There’s no reason why things can’t become more passionate or romantic, but it requires a bit of effort from both of you. Try it, then see where you are.