I obsessively worry about my three-year-old daughter

Dear Coleen

I overcame a serious illness when I was a child and I’m now 37 with a three-year-old daughter.

My problem is, because of what I went through when I was younger, I’m very paranoid about my daughter’s health and can’t stop worrying about it.

I had a huge argument with my husband recently because he told me I was overprotective and smothering my daughter, and that it wasn’t good for her confidence and ability to be independent.

When she’s at nursery I worry so much, I sometimes call them in the day – often two or three times – to see if she’s OK.

I can’t stand not being in control or knowing what she’s up to.

It’s started to affect my relationship with my husband who says his life is really stressful and that if I don’t learn to let go, then we’ll have a serious problem, but I don’t think I can.

He’s a completely different type of parent to me – very easy going and not a worrier like me.

Do you have any advice on how I can make things better?

Coleen says

I think you’d really benefit from counselling for what you’ve been through – maybe you’ve never really had a chance to work through the impact the illness had on your mental health. All parents have that fear of anything happening to their child – it comes with the territory – but most of the time we’re in control of it.

I think in your situation that fear can very easily spiral – and it already has. But your husband is right in that your attitude could end up putting limits on your daughter.

If someone’s had a cold, will you let her go to a party? Will she become afraid of doing anything for herself ?

The fact is, children need to learn and to do so they need to be allowed to make judgments and take risks, within reason. It builds resilience and independence. If you’re constantly hovering over her, ready to swoop in, she’s not going to do that.

Look at the positive side of this and how strong you were as a child – you overcame your illness and have gone on to have your own daughter. That’s wonderful. I think it would help to try to tackle situations as they arise instead of anticipating disaster.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a really good counselling technique that gives you tools to deal with anxious situations and to help you think differently about them, too.

I phone her nursery three times a day to see if she’s OK