Yours, Siobhan

The Dark Lord has gone into lockdown-mode in her bedroom and now only comes out to go to school or for the basic requirements of survival.

Her basic requirements being limited access to a shower, and an unlimited supply of pizza and Monster energy drinks – which clearly don’t work because the only energy she expends is the short walk to the shop to buy one on a Saturday.

“I realise why they’re called Monster now,” I called out after her the other day.

Barely stopping to look at me, she sighed: “Why?” “Because you drink one and then lurk around in your lair like a smelly monster all day,” I said, already chuckling at my own joke.

“You’re funny,” she replied flatly. “I think you’ll find I’m ‘staying home and saving lives’ from the comfort of my own bedroom.”

“It’s true,” I had to concede, “you have a gift for lockdown. I just wish you wouldn’t create quite so much waste while you’re doing it. You’re become single-handedly responsible for climate change on our road.”

The Bedroom Years started as suddenly as the Toddler Years, when a child starts walking, or sleeping through the night, or not asking you to come and wipe their bottom any more – although that’s usually because they’ve used the bathroom towels.

The Bedroom Years mean they come in from school and go straight to their lair. The only sign they’re in the house is the trail of dropped shoes, coat and bags giving away their position – and the broadband speed suddenly slowing down as it’s pressed into gaming action.

But the Bedroom Years are not a rest for me because when The Dark Lord finally leaves her pit on Monday morning, I have to gird myself to go in there to clear it up, wearing full protection and carrying distress flares should I need emergency evacuation.

Frankly, after working my way through the heaps of rubbish, ketchup-smeared plates and barely worn clothes – and chiselling off cola-flavoured Hubba Bubba from the most surprising of places – it’s as much work as the Toddler Years, just without the potty.

Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP

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