Breaking bad as my Heinz hunt falls a little flat

I’ VE fallen out with Alexa. We’re no longer speaking.

Since she moved in with me I’ve asked her just one question and she couldn’t answer it.

She’d been playing my 50s and 60s music all morning and I fancied a tin of soup. But after having Heinz chicken or tomato soup so often I fancied a change for this week’s shopping list.

So I said: “Alexa, can you tell me all the varieties of Heinz soup?”

She was so baffled she was quiet for a second, then said: “I don’t know that one.” I think she thought I was asking her for a song. Alexa is either thick, obstinate or just messing with me.

I d i d n’ t know whether to turn her of f at th e wal l or throw her out of the window.

My mood worsened when I realised my legs were too sore to walk up the stool ladder steps to rummage around the top cupboard in the kitchen where I keep my tins.

I thought I ’d pull on e down with the hooked end of my walking stick. And because I was always good at rounders I was confident I’d catch it.

I di dn’t. The tin bounced off my nose, which now sports a black bruise.

In the end I called my granddaughter Caitlin who looked up Heinz soup varieties on her ipad. I’ve added carrot and coriander to my list, and it must be Heinz.

There’s something about the brand I really trust. I ’ve tried others but always return to them.

I have 12 tins of their Baked Beans in the cupboard and am eating my way through them more than ever since Dr Chris Steele said on TV they have vitamins to protect us from Covid. Of course, there are side-effects. My mum always used to say: “Let your wind go free, wherever you may be. In church or chapel, let it rattle.”

She said you should never hold your wind or it’ll give you pain. It’s a good job I live on my own.

I’ve heard Alexa plays breaking wind noises if you ask her to.

She might know a lot about wind but she knows nothing about soup.