Let’s do this together

You are now entering Brexit Britain. n. I thought my sight had finally packed up when I went for my eye test yesterday and thought I had entered a communist state.

There were hardly any glasses lining the walls of the opticians, so I joked with the very serious assistant, “Am I being fitted for a pair of beer goggles instead?” which went down like a poison umbrella at a KGB party.

I hadn’t had my glasses prescription checked in a few years, and last time I drove at night the glare from the oncoming traffic was forcing me to close my eyes, which apparently is not recommended by the Highways Agency.

There’s not much call for driving at the moment, but I thought a change of scenery would give me something to look forward to this week… until I met Mrs Iron “Curtain” Knickers.

“Please wait here,” she said sternly, while spraying and wiping around me as if I was the epicentre of the pandemic.

Old Iron Knickers then moved me to a different part of the shop because someone else had arrived, and all the while being a bit trigger-happy with the spray, before moving me back again into the corner with all the grace and efficiency of a gulag prison guard.

Thankfully the optometrist was very friendly, and it was probably the longest I’ve ever spent talking to someone who was staring into the back of my eyeball.

As it turns out, she discovered I have near sight problems as well as poor far sight, so I needed varifocals, but the problem was finding a pair of frames to hold the lenses.

“Is it the pandemic or Brexit?” I asked Old Iron Knickers when I went back out to look around the empty shop for new specs.

“Both,” she snapped, before telling me that I could only choose a few styles and she would bring them to me before they were taken away to be sanitised again.

I chose the most suitable comrade specs as quickly as possible but before I could run for freedom, she called after me, “Don’t expect to see them for two months at least!”

Are you baking your way through lockdown 3.0? We want to see the results of your efforts for our new bake-off competition. Email me at siobhan. mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.

I luff S Snoop Dog!