Ex-hubby’s new girlfriend is making life hell for our child

Dear Coleen

I have a 10-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. Her dad has always been part of her life since we split up six years ago. However, he has recently started seeing a new girlfriend, who has developed some kind of hatred for me and my daughter.

She has blocked my phone number and makes it clear to my ex that she doesn’t want anything to do with our daughter. Because of this, my ex is trying to live two separate lives, but he’s putting his new girlfriend first.

Our daughter is so sad and hurt by all of this and I don’t understand why he can’t see how evil this behaviour is – and coming from a grown woman, too. She is so nasty and mean to our daughter, and makes her feel so unwelcome, while he just pretends it’s not happening and makes excuses for her.

Should I cut ties with him or let her carry on going to visit and have her coming home upset?

As a mother I feel I’d rather she didn’t visit any more, but am I bring selfish? I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

I don’t think you’re selfish, I think you’re just feeling protective of your daughter, which is completely natural.

But I wouldn’t cut ties with your ex –

I think it’s very important for your daughter that you can work out a way of her seeing her dad that isn’t stressful or upsetting.

I’d suggest he comes to your place or they get outside together for a walk or a cycle, or just to the local play park. And if your ex wants her to visit his home, then why not suggest it’s at a time when his girlfriend is out?

I don’t know why this woman would be so hateful – she sounds very immature and might feel threatened by the relationships he has with you and your daughter.

It sounds like your ex is trying to walk a tightrope here, but I think he needs to grow a pair. He comes as a package deal and it’s non-negotiable. His daughter (and therefore you, too) are always going to play a part in his life and she needs to accept that or I’d suggest the relationship isn’t going to work in the long-term.

If you still get on OK with your ex, which it sounds like you do, try having an honest – not angry – conversation with him about how your daughter is feeling and how you can arrange things going forward.

He needs to realise this is damaging for your daughter and if he gets it wrong with her now, he’ll pay the price later because she might not want to engage with him when she’s older.

Forget contacting his girlfriend direct. She’s obviously hostile and doesn’t want to know. Speak to your ex and try to work it out sensibly.

Should I cut ties with him or still let our daughter visit?