I’VE BEEN AVOIDING SEX WITH MY HUBBY

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my 50s and I no longer want to have sex with my husband, even though I love him dearly. I’ve never really been that sexual a person, but now I’m not interested at all since going through the menopause.

I’m not unhappy, I’m just done with it.

However, the problem is, my husband isn’t done with sex and I spend a lot of energy avoiding him! I worry that he will just get fed up and leave me, which is why I haven’t really faced up to it and discussed it with him.

Do you have any ideas on what I should do?

Coleen says

You know what I’m going to say – you have to discuss it with him.

Loss of libido is an effect of menopause, as I’m sure you know, but you sound as if you are not interested in looking into treatments to help you get it back anyway.

What I would say is, you might change your mind and start to feel differently. After I turned 50 I struggled with all of that for a couple of years – I just felt nothing. I kept thinking: “What’s the point?” and felt surplus to requirements, but I did come out the other side and found myself again, so to speak.

Stop avoiding the conversation with your hubby – the only way forward is to talk about if and how you can make the relationship work so you both feel fulfilled. You don’t know how he feels, but he might be feeling a bit lost or worrying your lack of interest is down to him.

As hard as it can be to be open with your feelings, I don’t think either of you can be happy going on like this and ignoring the elephant in the room.

Talk about the options, which could range from solo pleasure or non-penetrative sex to seeing other people or even deciding you’d be happier to move on separately. But you have to know how he’s feeling.