Kids will never let me forget that I wasn’t there for them

Dear Coleen

I’m a 54-year-old woman who’s struggling with family issues. It upsets me that my mum is the person who my son and daughter turn to. I’ve suffered with mental health issues since having them and struggled to cope. I left a loveless relationship with their father as he didn’t support me through postnatal depression, choosing instead to go to the pub most nights.

I’ve since had several failed relationships – I had a tendency to put men before my family, which haunts me as my daughter has never forgotten the past that she said had an enormous impact on her.

I know I have not been a very good mum, but I tried to explain I didn’t know how to be a good mum. I felt clueless and immature, and didn’t know what was expected of me.

My kids never call me, yet constantly call and visit my mum. They run errands for her and it seems she’s lapping up the attention. When I explain to her that I never get a call, she brushes it off by saying they try to call, but I’m never there.

I’m always there! They’re not interested in my mental health issues and I don’t know why it’s always up to me to get in touch. My mum even said my daughter has been more of a daughter to her than I ever was. I feel put down and unable to stand up for myself. I feel I get no support from any of them. Can you help?

Coleen says

It seems you’re all struggling with the past. Your kids feel resentful you weren’t there for them and your mum clearly stepped in to look after them.

OK, perhaps it’s up to you to look at it differently and to prove to them that you’ve changed and also acknowledge the past. You could say something like, “I can’t go back and change the past – I realise I’ve made mistakes, but I can only apologise and prove to you that I’m worth trusting again”. And with your mum, why not call her every day to check in? So what if you’re the one to call? You’re still speaking and hopefully rebuilding your fractured relationship.

I think it’s about attitude – being determined to put the past behind you and start afresh. That’s all you can do, and hopefully with time you can rebuild the trust and have better relationships with your kids and your mum.

I think if you own it, you’ll get more respect. Yes, you were in a bad place and you made bad decisions that you regret, but you want to prove that you’re worth trusting again.

Also, I don’t know if you’re in therapy right now, but counselling would provide support.

“I haven’t been a good mum but I feel so put down