AND NOW FOR THE NEWS PUNCHLINES...

■ A juggernaut of onions has shed its load over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

■ A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

■ A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned.

■ There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

■ It was revealed in a Government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

■ West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers — but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

■ After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector Mctavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

■ George Trimble, Blackpool’s longest-serving deckchair attendant, was better tonight after collapsing at work. It took five people 40 minutes to work out how to get him up again.

■ The Prime Minister held a meeting with his cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.

■ The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

■ We’ve just had news of three important business mergers: Pie Records merged with Apple Records today to make Apple Pies. Hawker Aviation joined up with Cyril Lords to make flying carpets for the Persian markets. And Crispy Bacon Ltd merged with Rolls-royce to make sausage rolls and Royce Krispies.

■ A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

■ A man from Dagenham has named his son TGF 308F. He said he may not be rich but when he eventually leaves his son his Ford Mondeo, at least he’ll have his own personalised number plate.

■ One of the weathermen has just become a father. The baby is said to be fine, with occasional drizzle later in the day.

■ West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on...