My girlfriend’s support for her troubled ex has gone too far

Dear Coleen

My girlfriend’s ex recently broke up with his fiancee, which left him devastated as they’d been together four years and were planning to marry next year.

He’s been leaning on my girlfriend a lot for support in recent weeks. They talk on the phone or via Zoom most nights – sometimes long into the night – and they’ve met up, too.

At first I was OK with it, but now it feels like his problems are taking over our lives and she barely talks about anything else.

The other night, after another lengthy phone call, she started telling me about what his ex had said and done.

I snapped, telling her I didn’t want to hear about it any more and I didn’t think it was right she spent so much time talking to him.

This led to a massive row and the atmosphere at home is strained.

I don’t see why she can’t see my point of view. She dated this guy for five years, so they have a lot of history. I don’t want to be unreasonable or come across as needy and insecure, but I think it’s going too far. I’d love to know what you think.

Coleen says

I think when it’s dominating your lives to this extent and starting to cause problems in your relationship, then it’s time to address it.

You’re her partner now and you have a problem with the amount of time she’s spending with her ex, so she does need to listen to you without turning it into an argument.

I always think it’s useful to ask your partner to put themselves in your shoes – how would she like it if she were on the other side of this?

Would she be as sympathetic if you were helping an old flame through a break-up? I doubt she would have out up with it to the extent you have.

You’re not asking her to stop being friends with her ex – you’re making the point his issues are intruding on your relationship and causing you to argue. You’re spending less time together because of it and, when you are together, she brings it up.

So stand your ground – she’s being insensitive to how you feel and unreasonable because she won’t listen to your concerns without getting angry.

It feels like his problems are taking over our lives