Not sure whether we should split up or try having therapy

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my partner for four years, but the past two years have been miserable. We got together quite quickly after a holiday romance in Ibiza and moved in together three months after meeting.

Things were fine at first – it was exciting and we were really into each other – but now all we do is argue.

He hasn’t responded well to lockdown at all – drinking far too much most nights, picking arguments and generally living like a slob.

I’ve threatened to end it loads of times, but then he’ll do something great or say something lovely and I remember why I’m with him. So it’s all forgotten about – until the next time.

We’re not getting on, even as mates, and I know it’s just a question of time before the next argument. It can be over something as trivial as dirty dishes or a difference of opinion over something that’s been on telly.

My mum thinks we need to separate and see how things go, but I worry if that happens there’ll be no going back. Could counselling help?

Neither of us has had any kind of therapy and I’m not sure he’d even agree to it. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

Coleen says

I think it’s always worth trying couples’ counselling if you think that the relationship is worth fighting for, but you both have to be committed to the process. It can also be challenging emotionally and it takes time – it’s not an instant fix. It requires you to be really honest about how you’re feeling and what you think has gone wrong in the relationship.

And depending on the type of therapy you have, your therapist might want to delve back into childhood and past relationships. I wonder if you’ve ever actually spoken to each other about your relationship or if it’s just a series of rows that never get talked about?

Your relationship sounds like a bit of a whirlwind and the risk with doing everything so quickly is that you don’t really know each other that well.

Then, when you come up against challenges, you don’t know how to deal with them as a couple.

I’m not against taking a relationship break – some couples find this really beneficial and they find a way back to each other.

It gives you the opportunity to reflect, work out if you miss each other and just have some headspace – just make sure if you do this, you put some boundaries in place that you both agree to.

Good luck.

It’s just a question of time before the next row