Fighting with husband over friend who takes advantage

I have a friend I met through our kids’ school. She’s a single mum and doesn’t have a lot of spare cash.

I’ve always been very generous, helping out with childcare and I’ve even given her bits and pieces of money. Not a lot, but just for things like school trips or activities because I don’t want her children to be left out.

However, my husband thinks she takes advantage – it really annoys him when she pops over and invites herself and her kids to stay for tea.

To be honest, this is starting to get to me, too, because I find myself cooking for her and her kids a couple of times a week.

She’s always badmouthing her ex for not providing more in the way of financial support, but then never does anything about it.

My husband and I have been arguing about it quite a lot and I think he’s going to blow his top pretty soon and it will end up being really awful and awkward.

The other day she told me she’s going on holiday to Spain with her children. I couldn’t believe it and have no idea where the money for this is coming from. I haven’t dared tell my husband, as he’ll be even more mad.

I don’t know what to do about the situation. I’m not a confrontational person and I find it hard to say no to anyone. Can you help?

Coleen says

Well, I think your husband is annoyed because he doesn’t like to see you taken advantage of. And because he’s not her friend, he can see things a little more clearly and be objective about the situation. And it’s a bad sign if you’re starting to keep things from him regarding this friend, such as her trip to Spain.

But you can be assertive without being confrontational or starting an argument.

In terms of her popping over at tea time, just say you’re busy or the kids need some family time with their dad. If you’re consistent, she’ll get the message. Just step back a bit.

And stop offering to pay for things. I don’t think she’ll find permanent solutions to any of her problems if you’re always there as a safety net, bailing her out.

Being assertive doesn’t mean cutting her off – it is possible to still be her friend without bankrolling her.

I wonder what you get from this friendship? What does she give back? Does she do anything for you, like pick up your kids from school or invite you over for a cuppa?

It’s not about money, it’s about being thoughtful and kind. I think when a friendship is this one-sided, it usually doesn’t last.