Daughter and hubby are so lazy when they stay with us

Dear Coleen

My husband and I are in our early 70s and in good health, although I had shingles last year, which took me a really long time to recover from.

My problem is my daughter and her husband, who are in their early 40s and have two children aged four and six, who we adore. They live in the city and have busy lives, so regularly come to stay with us for days on end.

I love seeing the grandchildren, but when the family is here my daughter and her husband never lift a finger to help and my hubby and me end up doing everything – cooking, childcare, clearing up after the children.

They don’t even offer to go to the supermarket and buy some food or a bottle of wine.

It’s as if my daughter has slipped back into being a child herself, expecting me to do everything for her.

I haven’t said anything to her yet for fear of rocking the boat or not seeing my grandchildren as much.

She’s not the easiest person to reason with – a bit hot-headed and a bit of a drama queen.

I would love your advice on how to speak to her so we can enjoy the time we spend together.

Coleen says

It’s amazing how many children – however old they are – slip back into the role of lazy child when they stay with Mum and Dad. I’m sure a lot of readers can relate!

This is obviously stressing you out, so you have to tackle it or you risk snapping one day and causing a huge row that’s hard to recover from.

First of all, most parents in their right mind wouldn’t want to cut off their children from their grandparents because it’s a very selfish thing to do and upsets the kids, too. Plus, parenting is tough and you and your husband are great babysitters!

You could just be direct and explain that after having shingles you get tired very easily, so when they do come to stay in future you’d really appreciate it if everyone could muck in with the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc.

Alternatively, the next time they visit, just ask them to do things that need doing – such as “Can you pick up some food for tonight?” or “Would you mind doing the washing-up?” I doubt very much they’ll say no!

So, what I’m saying is, don’t enable their behaviour by doing everything for them. You’re not a B&B.

It’s as if she’s slipped back into being a child herself