Sister-in-law wants to keep baby a secret from its dad

Dear Coleen

My husband’s sister recently told us she’s pregnant and planning to keep the baby and raise it on her own. She split with her long-term partner a few weeks ago and says there’s no going back and she doesn’t want any of us to tell him she’s expecting his baby.

The thing is, her ex is a friend of ours and a really good guy as well.

My sister-in-law is pretty high maintenance, intolerant and quick to judge people, and I think her ex was just too nice for her, or couldn’t meet her ridiculously high standards!

He was devastated when they broke up – I think he always felt he was punching above his weight as she’s very pretty and glamorous – but he’s moved on and is doing OK.

I don’t feel this news should be kept from him and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know whether my sister-in-law is planning to tell him at some point in the future, but it’s going to be impossible to keep this a secret as we all have many mutual friends.

What can I do about this ridiculous situation she’s created?

Coleen says

I think you should try reasoning with her – she can’t keep a baby a secret and her ex has got a right to know it’s his.

It’s also not fair to put that big a secret on all of his friends. If (or should I say, when) he finds out that all his friends knew about the baby except for him, he’ll feel betrayed by everyone.

I don’t know why your sister-in-law would make this decision unless it was to hurt her ex, or if it’s about control. Perhaps things happened in the relationship that you don’t know about.

Telling him doesn’t mean she has to have a romantic relationship with him, but whether she likes it or not he is the baby’s father and she ought to want him to have a relationship with it.

She should be thinking long term about how they can move forward sensibly and find a solution that works for everyone. But the break-up was quite recent and emotions are obviously still raw, so maybe she just needs some time to get used to the pregnancy herself and the idea of being a single mum.

However, she should be the one to tell him and if she doesn’t, then she’ll have to accept that at some point someone else probably will.

Thing is, her ex is a friend of ours and a really nice guy