My fury about his affair tortures me six years on

Dear Coleen

My husband had an affair six years ago with a girl from his office. At the time, our kids were five and three and I was pregnant with our third.

To be honest, I was so exhausted and wrapped up in the kids that it all felt like a blur. I was furious with him, of course. He swore it was just sex but I threw him out anyway.

But I took him back two months before our third child was born, largely because I couldn’t face having three children on my own, including a newborn.

To be fair to him, he’s been an amazing husband and father ever since. He’s very caring, attentive, is brilliant with the kids and he says the affair was the biggest mistake of his life.

Life has settled down, but as our children have got older and I’ve had time to dwell on it, I’ve started to become angry with him again.

In particular, I still can’t believe he cheated on me when I was pregnant with his child. I’m full of resentment and anger but I don’t know how to bring it up again, because in his eyes it’s all been forgiven and forgotten. After all, it was six years ago now. What do you think I should do?

Coleen says

You have to be really honest with him, otherwise this resentment and anger will eat away at you and wreck your relationship.

You’ve got to tell him, “Listen, I’m not going to walk out the door with the kids tomorrow or ask for a divorce. But now I have more time on my hands I’m really struggling with what you did”.

Of course, he’s going to be shocked as he’ll be thinking, “That was years ago. Why is she bringing it all up again now?”

What I’d suggest for you two is going for counselling. You’ve been through a lot – an affair and three kids is tough. And I think there’s a real possibility that you’re just going to explode with all these feelings you’ve been suppressing.

Having had counselling myself in the past, I can honestly say now it was one of the best things I ever did.

It was horrendous at first and the first few times I went to a session I came out feeling even more depressed.

But the counsellor will get down to the root of a problem and help you face your feelings.

It’s great because you talk it all out and then all of a sudden those angry feelings go and you get a clearer picture of what you should do going forwards.

I’ve dwelled on it – I can’t believe he cheated when I was pregnant