Betrayed by my partner’s secret meetings with son

Dear Coleen

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for a year. We got together officially after a year-long affair.

At the start it was really passionate and loving, but now he seems distracted and I’ve also found out he’s been secretly having father-son time with his 25-year-old and also driving him to work in the morning. I only discovered this after looking at his phone records.

He also texts his son at midnight when I’m asleep or sneaks into the kitchen or bathroom, locking the door so no one disturbs him. I feel so let down that he’s been doing this behind my back. I feel so betrayed. His son actually said that if he’s being secretive about texting him, what else is he up to?

He has also discarded his friends and family, and he seems really bitter towards them for no reason at all. My own family says this is not normal behaviour at all and that I should tread very carefully with him.

His mother died recently and he has shown no emotion at all. I’m struggling to trust him. I can’t leave him as he owns our house and I don’t actually want to leave him – I just want to know why he’s behaving like this. What can I do?

Coleen says

Have you actually asked him why he’s behaving like this? I don’t know why he would feel the need to keep meetings with his grown-up son secret from you – does he expect you to have an issue with it? I don’t think this secrecy is normal behaviour, but it could be tied up with his mother’s death.

Grief can affect people in all kinds of ways, and just because he’s not showing emotion, doesn’t mean he’s not feeling the pain. I do think you need to confront him and ask him why he’s hiding things from you and why he’s cutting himself off from people. It sounds like he’s suppressing a lot of emotions, which need to come out.

And reassure him that you’re still in love with him and don’t want to end the relationship, but you need to have honesty.

Obviously, he had an affair with you and kept that secret – so that must be playing on your mind now he’s keeping things from you.

Tell him that whatever is at the root of it, you want to know.

I’m struggling to trust him after death of his mum