Wife is angry all the time and it wears me down
Dear Coleen
I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and my wife and I have two children, aged seven and five. Our relationship has really deteriorated over the past five years, since our youngest son was born.
My wife just seems angry all the time and can have a door-slamming, screaming meltdown over the most trivial things. She doesn’t seem to care who’s around to witness it either – the kids, her parents or our friends. I can’t stand it any more – it’s affecting my mood and how I feel about her.
I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she just tells me that I’m exaggerating or she’ll storm off and slam the bedroom door. She is literally like a bear with a sore head 24/7.
I’m really worried that our sons are being traumatised by her angry outbursts. Even if she’s not shouting about something, the atmosphere at home isn’t great.
Recently, we had a heart to heart and I told her that I’ve thought about leaving her because I’m so unhappy. She was clearly shocked and upset, and said she’d try to control her anger, but I’m not convinced. I think she needs professional help. To complicate things further, I’ve begun to develop feelings for a colleague who started at my firm a few months ago. She’s very different to my wife – light, easy-going, positive and warm.
What do you think I should do?
Coleen says
Well, as appealing as this other woman is, you have to take the focus off her and concentrate on sorting out your marriage one way or another.
Your colleague is probably extra attractive to you right now because your marriage has been difficult for some time and she’s the polar opposite of your wife.
But no one is perfect and by getting involved with her now, you’d be cheating on your wife, complicating things and adding to your stress.
Clearly, things can’t continue as they have been at home. Your wife can’t ignore what’s going on if she wants to save your marriage. Her anger could be down to hormones, depression or stress, but unless she’s willing to accept she has a problem, talk about it and seek help from her GP or a counsellor, then you’ll never be able to move on.
Sometimes a trial separation can help both partners to work out how they really feel about a relationship.
As a priority, you should agree not to argue (or have door-slamming meltdowns) in front of the children. If she finds herself getting angry and losing control, she needs to leave the room and calm down.
Finally, if you decide that separating is the only path left open, no matter how sad that is you can still be good, responsible, loving parents.