She took role play too far and bedded fantasy guy

Dear Coleen

I love my girlfriend to bits and we’ve always had a good sex life. But about six months ago I wanted to spice things up a bit and do some role play. My girlfriend wasn’t sure at first, but then really got into it and sex was amazing.

We started to pretend I was someone else. I asked her to think of people she knew – ex-boyfriends for example – and think about them having sex with her.

She began saying their names and I’d never seen her that turned on – it was working.

Then one day, I decided to take a half day off work so I could get home early and take her out for lunch. I walked into our house and couldn’t see her, so I went upstairs. I was going to sneak up on her, as we’re always pranking each other, but I could hear her and someone else in the bedroom. When I got to the door I could see she was having sex with a guy and using the name she’d used with me during sex when we were role-playing.

I couldn’t believe it. When they spotted me, he got his stuff and fled, and my girlfriend and me just sat on the bed crying. I told her I couldn’t believe she would do this to me, but she said it was my fault for initiating the role play.

We are now having a break to see what happens. I love her and she loves me, and we still meet up, but I can’t get the picture out of the two of them out of my head. Was this all down to me? What do you think?

Coleen says

No it’s not down to you at all, so please don’t blame yourself. The whole point about role play is that it’s fantasy. If I dress up as a nurse during sex, I don’t start turning up at the hospital to pull a shift. She’s made a huge mistake, and she obviously knows that now. If you decide to give your relationship another shot, I think you need to be honest with each other and decide where the line is when it comes to role play. And if it’s going to lead to one of you living it out, then it has to stop. You don’t have to “involve” people you know such as ex-lovers during role play – you can fantasise just about each other in different scenarios.

Your girlfriend crossed the line. She cheated on you and there’s no way of excusing that by blaming role play. Even if she’d said during sex that she was going to bed this person and you got turned on and agreed to it, it’s still not a green light because you’re living out a fantasy. Unless she suggested it over a cup of tea in the cold light of day and you agreed to it, then it’s off limits. Maybe with time you can move on, but maybe you won’t be able to – not everyone can.

She needs to acknowledge and accept that this was down to her and make the effort to prove you can trust her again.

She was upstairs with him, saying name we’d used