HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER IS SO VILE TO ME

Dear Coleen

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a year and it’s going really well apart from one thing – his 13-year-old daughter doesn’t like me at all and she doesn’t try to hide it either.

She’s been extra rude to me since her dad and I moved in together in October. She comes to stay with us every other weekend and refuses to speak to me.

When she does say anything, it’s always nasty. She’s told me I can’t cook, I look old, I wear bad clothes, and she even said she hopes her dad and I split up. I dread her coming to stay. The atmosphere is terrible and it’s starting to affect my relationship with my partner.

What can I do? I’ve tried to be friends with her, but she’s not playing ball.

Coleen says

She’s determined to push every button she can until she finds one that irritates you the most and then she’ll keep pushing it. It’s really tough being a step-parent, especially at the beginning.

Look, I’m not going to sugar coat this for you, it’s going to take a lot of effort on your part, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

It’s important not to be afraid to involve your partner – explain you’re finding it tough and discuss ways of dealing with it.

He has to understand he can’t always play the good cop – he will have to back you up and agree not to undermine you in front of his daughter.

If you don’t agree with each other on something that involves her, then talk about it when you’re on your own. If you don’t present a united front, she’ll exploit that weakness to get what she wants and drive a wedge between you.

And you will need to dig deep and make a monumental effort, even if it’s the last thing you want to do. Why not ask her what her favourite meals are and see if she wants to help you cook?

Let her know you’re not trying to take the place of her mother. She might feel if she’s being nice to you, she’s being disloyal to her mum.