MY APPETITE FOR SEX NOW INSATIABLE

Dear Coleen

I’m a 41-year-old woman and I left my now ex-husband two years ago after 23 years of marriage.

Throughout our entire time together I suffered physical and mental abuse.

When I eventually left I thought I’d be happy having a fresh start and a new home, but it’s been nothing of the sort.

Everything that happened in my marriage seems to be affecting me now and I don’t understand why.

Sex was never an issue with my ex – I didn’t let him touch me for seven years, but I’ve recently started a relationship (or at least I’m trying to) with a really lovely, kind man.

However, I constantly want sex and, as he’s older than I am, he isn’t as keen, so we argue about it a lot.

I don’t know if I’m subconsciously trying to push him away. What do you think?

Coleen says

You don’t mention whether you’ve had professional help to deal with what happened in your abusive marriage. I’m guessing you haven’t because now that you’re in a new relationship, all those bottled-up emotions are coming out.

I think you need counselling after all you’ve been through. You probably have a lot of buried anger and hurt you need to let out.

All those years of abuse can’t just be erased overnight. But you’ve taken the biggest step to recovery by getting out of the relationship and you should feel very proud of that.

However, you can’t get out of it and pretend it didn’t happen. Of course it’s going to affect subsequent relationships.

Counselling is not a miracle cure and it won’t deal with 23 years of abuse in two hours. You need to commit to it.

I don’t know what’s at the root of you wanting sex all the time – it could be your insecurity and you’re associating sex with love.

Try to relax a bit – it’s early days, so try to focus instead on building a strong relationship with this man.