AT WAR OVER HOW TO RAISE SONS

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have very different views when it comes to how best to raise our two young sons, who are five and three.

My husband is very strict with them and often shouts for the slightest little thing, like not wanting to brush their teeth or kicking their ball around the garden. He expects them to behave perfectly all the time when they are still so young.

I’m a lot more laid back and I want them to enjoy a lovely childhood. His parents are incredibly strict. When they come round they expect the boys to be quiet, sit still and eat all their dinner, but they’re so full of energy this rarely happens. They’re good boys, and their teachers and friends agree, so I don’t see why my husband has to be so hard on them. We argue about it constantly and it’s placing a huge strain on our marriage. What can we do?

Coleen says

I think conflicting parenting styles place a huge strain on lots of marriages. Your husband’s going by learned behaviour.

He was bought up with strict parents and he’s probably of the ‘it didn’t do me any harm’ school of thought. In most parenting situations there’s a good cop/ bad cop. If one parent goes tough on the kids, the other tends to go softer because they feel protective. Don’t undermine him in front of the boys, but sit him down and chat about your differing parenting styles.

Tell him you think he’s being too strict and suggest ways you can parent in a way you’re both happy with. Set very clear ground rules you both agree on. This may require compromise.

I would remind him that, in the blink of an eye, the boys won’t even be kicking a ball around the garden. That time goes quickly and you’ll both miss it when it does. I used to despair about toys all over my house and now I don’t have any. Remind him to enjoy his children.